Top 8 Mistakes That Can Impact Your Child’s Future After Divorce

In this article, you will discover:

• The effects of your co-parenting behaviour on your child
• The consequences of preventing your child from seeing their other parent
• Mistakes to avoid when making a parenting plan

1. How Could My Co-Parenting Behaviour Affect My Child As They Grow Up?

Your co-parenting style can affect your child in positive and negative ways. Your child will fare better if you have positive co-parenting behaviours with the other parent. Ultimately, children are a reflection of their parents. If you have positive interactions with the other parent, the child will see that and react positively, even in a separated household.

A recent study suggests children with separated parents fared better in households with positive co-parenting versus the children remaining with an intact family where the parents are hostile to each other.

That may seem obvious, but it’s not. Many people think if they divorce their spouse or physically separate from the other parent, that will have grave repercussions for the child. Psychological studies suggest otherwise.

On the other hand, the more negative and hostile interactions you have with the other parent, the more negatively it will affect the child.

In extreme situations, children can feel caught between their parents and show signs of psychological stress, including:

• Fighting with other students in school
• Acting out with teachers in school
• Cutting behaviour (i.e., cutting themselves with a knife)
• Engaging in juvenile delinquency

It’s a bad situation to have negative co-parenting behaviours. If you think you and the other parent are going down that road, the best advice is to nip that in the bud, get into family counselling and work on your issues. Include your child in counselling sessions and learn how to communicate better. Many times, poor communication is the issue.

2. What Happens If I Stop My Child From Seeing Their Other Parent?

That depends on why you’re stopping the visitation. There are situations where the custodial parent stops the visitation because the non-custodial parent has physically or sexually abused the child.

So, if such extreme situations are occurring, you need to stop the visitation. You also need to get into court ASAP with a modification application – assuming there’s already an order to modify in the first place. Don’t let the situation persist.

Stopping visits in less extreme situations depends on your reasoning. If you have a good reason for stopping the visit, and this is not a legal issue, you should sit down with the child to discuss why they see the other parent less often. You also want to discuss with the other parent to explain the situation.

If there’s an order in place, you don’t have the choice to stop the visits. You and your attorney must get that issue before a Judge on a modification application.

3. Why Is It Harmful To Talk Badly About My Ex In Front Of Our Kids?

Disparaging your ex in front of your child is ultimately harmful to your child. Many studies have been published that conclude when parents are openly hostile to each other, it negatively affects the child. Presumably, as a parent, you want your child to fare well psychologically, emotionally and behaviourally.

The more you do to disrupt that positive nurturing process, the worse off your child is. You want to confront that issue by learning how to better communicate with the other parent through family counselling or a parent education course.

4. How Can Not Having A Set Routine After The Divorce Make Things Harder For My Child?

Everyone thrives with stability, even more so children. Generally, if you have a topsy-turvy schedule, that will be disruptive for a child. The average, ordinary child needs to know where they will be to plan on getting homework done and know where they’re putting their head down at night.

The greater the instability in a child’s life, the worse that child will fare behaviourally, emotionally and psychologically. Having a set schedule so your child knows weeks in advance where they’re going to be is crucial for their well-being.

5. What Mistakes Should I Avoid When Making A Parenting Plan For My Child’s Future?

Not having specificity in your parenting agreement is a serious and common mistake. In higher-conflict cases, the more specific you are, the better.

Some parents can have a bare-bones, three- to four-page parenting agreement in place. It works because they get along, the child gets along with both parents equally, and they don’t need a lot of direction.

That’s not the case with most other people. The vast majority of people need more direction than that. How much more varies with the case. In extreme situations, parenting agreements can be 20-30+ pages long and be highly detailed as to every facet of decision-making and access time.

You’ll want to discuss all options with your attorney. At The Law Offices Of David Bliven, we have a large menu of possible custody arrangements for you to look over – based on prior cases. You’ll want to pick options from the menu and identify your past problems so that your parenting agreement can be crafted with specificity.

6. How Does Dragging My Child Into Custody Disputes Affect Their Mental And Emotional Well-Being?

It depends on the extent to which you involve your children in the dispute and why. Some parents battle in court but keep their children isolated from the litigation. The courts certainly encourage that.

It is recommended that your children have minimal involvement with the process, apart from being aware that there’s a court proceeding. The court assigns an attorney for your child, but the attorney only interviews them initially and then checks in with them every two or three months. Otherwise, you and your ex should keep the conflict out of your child’s purview.

However, other children are put in the middle of the conflict. The Judge will usually interview your child if you and the other party can’t agree on custody. It’s what’s called an in-camera interview, which means the Judge will interview your child in chambers.

Sometimes, a forensic psychologist will interview your child, perform a psychological evaluation or observe how you and the other party interact with your child. In some cases, there may be supervised visitation where a social worker is required to observe visitations.

Every case is different, but the more that a child gets involved one way or the other with the litigation, the greater the potential for negative repercussions on the child’s psychological, emotional or behavioural health.

Should I Make Custody Decisions Based On How My Child Feels In The Moment? Why Or Why Not?

In the custody and visitation realm, it’s not up to a child to determine whether they visit with the other parent. Suppose there’s an issue where the child expresses reluctance to visit with the other parent. In that case, say, “I hear you. I’ll address that with your father / mother.” Do so – but leave the child out of it.

When a child says to a custodial parent, “I don’t want to visit with dad this weekend,” it’s not permissible for the custodial parent to say: “Not a problem. You don’t have to.”

If there’s an agreement or order agreement in place, you would be violating that. Also, you’re reinforcing in the child’s mind that they have power when they don’t. With all due respect to children, they don’t have the choice of going to school, going for their annual doctor’s visit, or going to their biannual dental appointment.

If a child doesn’t have that overall level of determination, they also don’t have a choice whether they visit with the other parent. If they express that reluctance, that’s an adult decision and discussion. If the other parent disagrees with that discussion of scaling back the visits, that’s ultimately for a Judge to determine.

7. What Could Happen To My Child If I Don’t Follow The Court’s Custody Orders?

If you’re disregarding or not following the court’s custody order, ask yourself: How will that affect your child’s psychological, emotional, and behavioural health?

If there’s an extreme situation, such as physical or sexual abuse, stopping the visit would be the right decision. In such a case, you will need to get that issue before a Judge ASAP.

If you stop following or disregard the custody order without a good reason, then it may have negative repercussions on the child’s psyche. A Judge could decide there should be a switch of custody. And in terms of what could happen to your child if you fail to follow the custody order, your child could end up living with the other parent.

If there’s a good reason not to follow the custody order, at the very least, set up a consultation with an experienced family law attorney to discuss getting the issue before a Judge.

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